having a hard time existing in your body? this is for you.

Right now it feels like many of us are having to hold extra space for the complexities of being in our bodies.

One of the things I learned during my eating disorder recovery was that I was never really taught how to exist in my body. I thought my body was just a tool for the mind, an object to criticize and demean until it looked the way I wanted it to based on social conditioning.

In those days, many of my unprocessed difficult emotions would express themselves through feelings of “fatness” and “grossness.” The cure to those bad feelings, I thought, was to exercise and starve. Then I would feel “good.” It took time to understand that our bodies are a conduit for our emotions. And fat/gross was not a feeling. And that feeling “good” was really a disguise for feeling in control.

As I unraveled my relationship to my body I learned to begin to distinguish how I really felt. I began to feel more willing to see that maybe my body was always on my team, teaching me to leave when it felt unsafe, but willing for me to return when I did.

But I will be the first to admit that I am still quick to leave my body, particularly when things get difficult around me. I sometimes have a hard time admitting my body has needs. I compassionately notice it takes a *ahem* firm push to reclaim my space in my body. And when certain unexpected uncomfortable emotions rise, I sometimes play it out in feeling that my body is wrong or ugly.

I know that for many, leaving the body was an important trauma response {dissociation}. And now when our nervous system gets activated {like during collective trauma crisis}, it’s the response that we know and go to. This is ok.

It’s ok to leave. We just gotta learn how to come back.

Because that’s the thing. It doesn’t always have to feel yummy in your body to cultivate a practice of respect. You don’t have to LOVE your body for you to practice caring for it you don’t even have to like the shape your body takes for you to honor its needs.

You just have to ground yourself in the practice of returning. Knowing that every time you do, it will get easier. The practice IS the work. Leave, come back. Leave, come back. Over and over and over again until it becomes habit.

This is the journey. Welcome to living in your body.

XO Thaís