why crises often elicit old coping strategies

Hi friends. As I tap into what I am feeling called to offer to the collective right now, I continually receive the message of gentleness. Of compassion. Of tenderness.

When things feel uncertain and crunchy and anxiety laden in our lives, it makes sense that we unconsciously resort to using old skills and tools to get through. Some are more obvious, like numbing with food or alcohol or TV. Some are less obvious but still insidious, like obsessive thoughts or a louder than usual inner critic.

These are all ways we are attempting to regulate the complex emotions we are experiencing during this dizzying time. It’s how we have learned to cope.

And I know if you’re anything like me, you’re beating yourself up over it. you’re judging yourself for playing out old patterns and wishing you could just BE BETTER ALREADY.

I hear you. And I would like to remind you that using new skills/tools are hard. Especially when trauma is being activated. Especially when things feel overwhelming. Especially in a fucking pandemic.

AND it’s made harder when we berate ourselves for not being perfect.

That’s the secret to lasting change… to make yourself a soft landing for when you fall. To notice when you are using old skills and get curious instead of judgmental. To be kind to the parts of you who are scared and want to use what they know.

I have a whole new RECLAIM podcast episode where I explore what exactly it means to be gentle with ourselves and how we can practice this gentleness so that we feel more at ease within ourselves during this trying time. Go listen!

And remember, you are doing the best that you can. Thank god for those old skills, they really helped at one point in time. Now, let us invite curiosity and compassion inward so we can safely practice the new skills we are learning.

I have also been reminding myself lately that no matter how I am processing what is happening, I don’t have to justify it to anyone. I don’t have to convince anyone that how I am experiencing things are valid. Sure I can share, be in community and make meaning of all of this with others, but I do not have to defend my reaction as if it’s wrong to feel the way I do.

We are allowed to process things differently than our partners or our family or our friends. And we are allowed to hold sacred our own experience, knowing that it’s justified simply because it’s ours.

Of course this does not mean you are entitled to hurt others. I am simply suggesting that your experience is yours. It’s valid. And the more we can get curious when we act in ways that feel no longer in alignment with your values, the more we can change it.

Untangling from diet culture, reclaiming our time instead of obsessing with productivity, letting ourselves be mediocre instead of pushing for success, listening to our body’s need for rest instead of constantly pushing for more… these are all really hard to untangle from, particularly because it goes against cultural norms.

And if we grew up being taught that our worth is tied to the validation of others {*ahem* pretty much all of us}, it becomes particularly difficult.

It’s valid that it’s hard. Doing this work is hard.

KEEP GOING. Because at the end of this you will find so much more freedom to be who you want to be. And that is everything.

One thing that may help is self-wonderment.

Self-wonderment = to be amazed at self.

It’s a powerful thing, to take a moment to realize that we are the cycle breakers. We are the reclaimers. We are the ones not allowing our past to define us. We are the ones the world has been waiting for.

Healing is hard. Investing in ourselves is hard. Not getting the recognition for our growth from our loved ones is hard.

And yet we keep going. Because this is the only way. Because we thirst for freedom. Because we know we are worthy of peace and joy and spaciousness in our hearts.

For those of you who make this commitment to yourself over and over and over again, I see you. I bow to you. And I invite you to sit in wonderment with me. Because this is how we eradicate the shame of our brokenness. This is how we rise again.

XO Thais