hard conversations (and avoiding them)
Note to future self: every time you face the discomfort and have a hard conversation you feel better afterwards.
Have more hard conversations.
Sincerely, present me
Sometimes I do this thing in relationships where I will claim {to myself or to the other} that I need space... and while it may be true for a short time, I sometimes take way more space than I need because I secretly hope that if I don’t have to talk about it, it will just go away. Then there’s always that unconscious hope that if I take enough space, perhaps the other person will miraculously choose to take just the “right” action, initiate a repair, fix the situation, be the first one to be vulnerable…
I mean, let’s be honest. I avoid hard conversations like the plague.
The ways in which I avoid difficult convos... is literally art work! And yet, it continues to surprise me when this strategy doesn’t work. While of course some things do go away with time, most of the time it just gets tucked into the unconscious where it stews into resentment and blows up down the road.
I now understand that I do this because I anticipate a similar reaction to what I got when I was a child where I was consistently dismissed and minimized, so now I project onto others the expectation that I will get a similar reaction.
The truth is, every damn time I have a difficult conversation, even if I didn’t say everything I wanted to say, even if the interaction didn’t go how I wanted it, even if the situation didn’t get resolved, I still end up feeling better.
Why?
Because I advocated for myself. Because I did the hard thing. Because I chose to do it differently.
I forget this truth often. So here is my reminder. Maybe you needed this reminder too.
What conversation have you been pushing off? Maybe it’s time to have it.
Learning the fine line between needing space to process and using space to avoid is unique to each us. And it’s important work to do when it comes to showing up bravely and honestly in our relationships.
xo
Thaís
