why letting it go isn't quite "it"

Personally, I am no longer a big fan of using this language of “letting it go.”

I have been told to let things go my entire life.

On my healing journey, however, I started to realize that my need to let things go actually stemmed from an internalized narrative that I am too much, too broken, too emotional, not enough, etc. In fact, I have “let it go” tattooed on my body {before Frozen came out, thank you very much} as a reminder that I am too stuck in the mud and need to be more easy going.

I had been told to let things go by caregivers who had too little capacity to help me process my experience and saw my emotions as problems that needed to be fixed. So of course that’s how I treated myself - that I was stuck in the mud and just had to drop things if I wanted to be happy.

I now have learned that letting go is a natural manifestation of processing through. If you really want to let go… you’re going to have to get intensely interested in why you hold on in the first place. When I make space for my pain, when I spend time with what hurts, when I tend to the behavior that I want to change and understand its complexities, things start to naturally change. The letting go just happens, not when I avoid and dismiss and judge myself, but when I bring it closer with curiosity and compassion.

I like these words by Jeff Brown of Soulshaping Institute:

“It’s not about ‘letting it go.’ It’s about letting it in… It’s about being true to your feelings. It’s about giving your experiences the attention they deserve… ‘let it go’ is the mantra of the self-avoidant, feigning resolution because they lack the courage or the preparedness to face their feelings. Let’s not play that game. Let’s let things in and through, until they are fully and truly ready to shift.”

I like to think of all of the things I do and think and feel to be ways in which I have learned to take care of myself.

Even the behaviors that hurt me or that I want to change, come from an unconscious desire to protect and guide.

Now, my declarations and intentions for myself are slightly different. Instead of telling myself I need to “let go of ____ {insert belief}” I now say to myself “tend to the belief that ____” and let it be a commitment that I will spend time understanding it first. What is it protecting me from? Where did I learn it? How is it affecting my life now?

If I treat each behavior or belief I want to “let go of” as though I trust that it had a purpose that was valuable to me at that time, I get to reapproach and reevaluate my needs from a place of curiosity and creativity.

This feels much more spacious, honoring and courageous.

Do not run away from yourself, love.

Let it in, so you can let it go.

XO

Thaís