why invisible expectations, disappointing others, and resentment are BFFs

At some point in our development many of us got the message that not disappointing our caregivers was our responsibility. While of course it’s important to teach children that their behavior impacts others... it is not on children to make their parents happy.

So it can be difficult now to not feel responsible for other people’s happiness. Many of us may be terrified at disappointing other humans. We believe it means there is something wrong or defective about us if we do. So we take on expectations that aren’t really ours to take on, and act accordingly. Which can lead to resentment and frustration when we don’t get the same type of “thoughtfulness” back.

Trying not to disappoint others is a fast track to resentment.

So often it’s our fear of disappointing others that drives us more than their actual disappointment. We don’t have to take on invisible expectations. Take off that burdensome weight, love.

And as for the spoken expectations, well, we don’t necessarily have to take that on either. We can explore it, talk about it, and think about whether it’s an expectation that feels fair and valid. We can make these decisions with the person and figure out what works and is sustainable. But taking it on to be nice or good only leads to resentment down the road which is neither healthy nor fair to the other person. XO