the plight of the worthy woman
I have been thinking a lot lately about some of the difficult paradoxes a lot of women who grapple with worthiness and the worthiness wound may find in themselves.
The worthiness wound® is a concept I formulated to name the place within us that feels both deeply broken and inadequate and also like we are too much for others.
I have come to understand through research and clinical experience that this wound is born out of specific ways we have been related to as children. It doesn’t “come out of nowhere” but actually stems from small, daily, consistent ways in which the people around us told us through words, actions, or subtle cues, that our emotional landscape was too much for them.
As we grow up, we begin to see ourselves through the lens of our caregivers. Our internal voice becomes those of the people around us. We become how we were related to, without even consciously being aware of it.
I recently read about a metaphor written by philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer about porcupines and their struggle with warmth in winter. If they stand too far apart, the metaphor goes, they get cold and do not benefit from the body heat of the fellow porcupines. But if they stand too close, while they may get warmth, they also run the risk of getting pricked and hurt by the other porcupine’s quills.
I think this perfectly encapsulates the internal struggle for those of us with worthiness wounds.
For many of us, we think that the only way we know how to get the closeness we crave is if we accommodate, people please and play small. If we are “good,” then we will get the love we desire. Who we are, in all of our authentic messiness, is not good enough or is too much for other people. We cannot risk the rejection if we take up too much space. Closeness through hiding is the only thing we know.
And while it may work temporarily, it comes at a cost, namely a sense of integrity and honesty about our own experience and feelings.
On the flip side, if we distance ourselves from all relationships and write off any intimacy as too painful, we suffer as well. Avoiding relationships because at least that way we don’t feel too much or not enough doesn’t make the pain go away. Plus, a well-lived life for many of us lies in our ability to love and be close to people. When we cut this off, we may find the aloneness to be unbearable.
The worthiness wound forces us to really face an ancient human conflict - how do we cultivate intimacy while also honoring our autonomy? Put another way, how do we be in relationship while also not losing ourselves?
As we learn to heal and face this tender space within us, through self-work and also working with a professional, the way to navigate the paradox starts to make itself clear.
Maybe, as we heal the worthiness wound, we can emanate enough internal warmth that we do not need to lose ourselves in others in order to benefit from their company.
Maybe, as we heal the worthiness wound, we can stand closer to those around us without feeling so pained when they do inevitably hurt us.
Maybe, as we heal the worthiness wound, we find ways to move between closeness and autonomy with a flexibility and openness that is impossible when we are collapsed in a sense of badness.
Relationships become so much more inviting and spacious when we do this work of feeling worthy of them. It may not alleviate the paradox completely, we are human at the end of the day, but I think it gives us a fighting chance to experience the life and relationship we crave.
XO Thaís
