the problem with avoiding disappointment by having "no expectations"

Avoiding disappointment by trying not to have expectations is not the answer.

Because disappointment is not a problem that needs to be fixed.

Often when it comes to conversations of disappointment, we are told that if we don’t want to feel disappointed, we simply have to stop having expectations.

I believe, however, that expectations, similar to judgements, are a normal part of the human experience.

By forcing ourselves to override our brain and try to not have expectations, we are doing two things - we are pushing the expectations into our unconscious which can lead to resentment and frustration down the road, and we are denying ourselves the gift of learning how to navigate disappointment in a dynamic and informative way.

Instead, I suggest that we develop a different relationship with both disappointment and expectation.

With disappointment, see some of my other posts here and here. As for expectations, well, when we notice ourselves doing something out of an expectation, or notice that somehow we have developed a certain set of expectations about a person, that we get curious with it.

Sometimes in our curiosity we will find that our expectations are keeping people on the hook for something they didn’t agree to and invites us to dig deeper. Why we are having those expectations? Is it fair to have them?

And sometimes in our curiosity we will find that our expectations are fair and valid and need to be communicated if they are to be met.

Because expectations without communication is manipulative. It sets the other person up with the impossible task of reading our minds.

However, even if we communicate our expectations… we run the risk of being disappointed. And that can be explored too. Because disappointment doesn’t mean something is wrong. It means we are having a human experience.

XO