The last time I visited the French Riviera, it was the winter of 2010. And despite how it might have appeared, on the inside, I was losing my shit.
I was at a job that didn’t fulfill me, I was 20lbs overweight from the compulsive binge eating, I had no idea how to turn this newfound passion of teaching yoga into something sustainable…
And most of all I was overwhelmed by this deep soul-crushing weight that maybe it was going to be like this forever.
You know, that bone-deep soul exhaustion that doesn't go away no matter how long you go on vacation.
Like you can't bear the weight of the world for one more damn moment.
Sure this was after I had my awakening moment where I realized I wasn't alone in this world and that spirituality was a tool I could use to support my being.
Unlike what you may hear, however transformational awakenings may be, it doesn't mean that life gets all rosy.
In fact, often the opposite happens, as it dawns on you the immensity of the work ahead of you.
Being aware is hard.
It’s been a six year adventure of learning to find my way, of coming back home to myself, of understanding what it means to be Thais in a way that inspires me. I am still navigating it, I think we all are and always will be, but it’s kinda cool to be going back to France next week knowing that everything is different now, mainly because I didn't give up on me.
Because transformation is ALWAYS possible. Even when we just binged for the millionth time. Even when we forget who we are. Even when we push away everyone who loves us. It’s still possible.
You are never forgotten. You are not a lost cause. You are not doomed forever.
Awakening is the first step. It's the moment when you realize that things can be different. That life is up to you. That we are all interconnected.
But it's not the final step.
There is no final step, in fact. Just a continuation of decisions and commitments. To live a life of love. To be the best that you can be. To go against what everyone thinks in honor of what you know is true.
So if you're reading this... and you're tired, like soul tired, of the work, of the mountain that is your mission, of the deep fear that maybe you can't actually do this, let me be here to remind you that you can.
You can rise again. You can try again. You can go for it again.
Let it be messy. Let it hurt. Let it tear you apart so brilliantly there is no other option but to surrender and trust.
But please, for the sake of this world, try again.
You don't get to where you want to be without failing. Without mistakes. Without fucking up.
But that's ok. It's just what it looks like to step into wholeness and healing. And it starts now. In this very moment.
I believe in you.